Caring for Mom and Dad

Dear Friends,

Did you see the recent PBS show entitled: Caring For Mom & Dad ?

 

Until now my blog posts have been about being a professional caregiver. However today I want to switch gears a bit and talk about being a PAL caregiver for a family member. You see I have done both. If you have read my posts you know  I have worked for other families caring for their loved ones, however I have never posted about caring for a family member as I have done for many many years. I can tell you from experience that they are in so many ways very different

My father passed away in 2001 suddenly, leaving my mother, who has severe macular degeneration, to live alone. My siblings and I did not feel that it was safe for her to live alone as she was about 45 minutes away from both my sister and I  and could not drive or care for other needs on her own. She was 77 at the time. Without hesitation we decided to have mom move in with us and she lived with my husband and I for 9 1/2 years. She has now been living with my sister for the last 4 1/2 years and is now 91.

The stress of having someone else in your household is heavy. The decisions you have to make for a family member such as a mom or dad are complicated and not always easy.
When the roles become reversed and you now become the parent it is uncomfortable, stressful and not least of all, time consuming. If you are a family caregiver or think that you may have to take on that role there is some advise I can offer from my own experience.

First of all make sure you have a conversation with everyone in the family, children included. It should be a household decision and not one to be made hastily.

Second, seek out help to lighten the load. This may come from other family members, or paid professionals but wherever you get it, get it!

Draw up a contract between the one being cared for and the person or persons doing the caring. This may not seem like it's necessary however believe me it will be essential down the road if your parent needs to go on government assistance and they have been paying you for care. ( I will post more about this subject soon)

If your loved one has financial resources that are substantial seek the advice of an Elder Law Attorney. I cannot stress enough that you use an Elder Law Attorney as they have been certified by the state and specialize in all the ins and outs of senior law situations.

Most of all read, read, read.....gain all the knowledge about what your role will be (preferably beforehand) so you know what you are committing to. And weigh all the options.

It is a difficult role you are about to undertake and it can span years and stretch resources. The more prepared you are the better caregiver you can be and the less conflict there will be in the family.

I love my mother dearly and I am glad that we did not leave her on her own when my father died, but in hind sight there are some things I would have done differently that may have made the stress level lower. I will try and share as much of my mistakes with you and the things I have learned along the way so that you can be better prepared. If you have a specific question please feel free to email me and I will do my best to answer you.

PBS recently had a program called "Caring For Mom & Dad " . If you can, click the link here, as I highly recommend viewing it. It will help you see the emotional side of this journey we are on and how it affects others in many ways the same as yourself. It is nice,  I think to know you are not alone. Nice to know others think or say the same things you do. My intentions are to post daily as my sister and I take the next steps in our journey, so please feel free to come with me and hold on tight; it may get bumpy ahead!

Take Care

Ruth Anne