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Saturday, July 4, 2015

Caregiver Blues

Hello Everyone,

I have been feeling the blues the past few days and can't seem to shake them. I realized today that maybe this is due to the decisions facing my sister and I regarding my mom's care. As I posted a few days ago, we are looking for a nice facility for my mother. Her care is taking a huge toll and we feel it's time to make a change, but change is not easy. For the past 14 years since my father's passing, my sister and I have been caring for my mother who has sever macular degeneration and is now 91. After living with me for 9.5 years she moved in with my sister and has been with her for the past several years. 

Watching someone you love decline is never easy. If you are a caregiver you know what I mean. It takes a toll physically, mentally and emotionally. I think it is hitting my emotions hard this week. Last Monday I took my mother to the doctors because her toe was swelling up. We thought she may have gout, but as it turns out she fractured her toe somehow, not sure when it happened but since she has osteoporosis and her bones are very brittle, it could have been just a tap when getting in or out of bed or a stub against the wheel of her walker.  At any rate the visit to the doctors was very challenging for her, seeing the doctor, lab work and then x-rays all too much. When we got done she said " this is my last time, I am not coming back here again". The struggle to get there and the struggle to use the bathroom while there, and get the x-ray was just to much for her. 

When we got home she was eating her lunch and she said to me, " taking care of me is getting to be to much for you and your sister" then she caught me off guard and said " it's okay I'm ready, we've had a good run haven't we, I'm ready to go". I didn't know what to say, I was tired from the trip too and I started to cry. Ever since then I have been in a funk. I just don't know if I am coming or going and I have no energy. I think that comment hit me hard. What do you say to your mother when she says she is ready to die, that life has been fun but it is just getting to hard?  No I mean really what do you say? 

My mother has always been there for all of us, no matter what troubles we were having. She always cared, and I want to be there for her. I want to make the right decisions for her, but knowing what the right decisions are is hard. We have found a nice place, near us that I think will suit her well, but making the final decision is tough. And she only has enough money to stay there for two years so if she out lives her money we will have to move her again to a facility that takes medicaid and those facilities are not always so nice. 

So we are at a crossroads and it comes down to the wire. The decision has to be made very soon and I think that is what has me in this funk. Just can't seem to shake it.  Thanks for listening.

Until Next Time
Take Care

Ruth Anne

2 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 06, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing. From my experience, that beautiful entire day, tackling the difficulty, ending by sharing a lunch together, allowed intimacy and your Mother shared with you her Truth. A Diamond day I used to think of those times with my Mom. Diamond Day Memories are my comfort now that My Mom has passed.

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  2. Thank you for the kind words. I will think of them often. I know it's hard but you are right everyday we have together is a treasure even the tough ones.

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Please leave your comment, and Thank You.. Ruth Anne.