Handling Abuse From The Elderly You Are Caring For

Hello Everyone, hope all are well today. I wanted to explore the topic that seems to be a common thread for many family caregivers. In the support groups I attend online and in talking to many of my friends who care for a family member as well as observing what my own family is going through, I have found that it is very common for the main family caregiver to experience abuse from the elderly person they are caring for.  I am trying to understand this anomaly if you will where those who do the most for their parent, partner etc seem to get the nasty end of the personality thrust upon them. I do know that when a person is suffering from dementia of some form, aggressive, even nasty behavior is common. However I have observed that many, many elderly ones who do not have any form of dementia still exhibit this abusive behavior mainly towards the family members doing the lions share of the care.

My mother is a good example of this. She has never been a nasty person, everyone loves her. She is funny and usually lighthearted. She has had macular degeneration for over 25 years and is mostly blind but through it all she kept her upbeat personality.  She lived with me for 9.5 years as many of you know from reading my past posts, and now lives with my sister and her husband. So now is were it gets strange. She has become nasty, mean and manipulative with my sister and her husband. To the point that my sister can hardly take it anymore. She seems to want to push my sisters buttons all the time and yet when I care for her two sometimes three days a week, she is totally different. She is happy, pleasant and kind. So why the harsh treatment of the people doing all the heavy lifting? The people who allow her to live in their home and even made all the modifications to make it safe for her. The people who run out to the store or restaurant to get her the food she wants on any given day? WHY???

I have my suspicions about why this happens and have been reading on some of the support sites and they seem to confirm what I thought. When people get old and lose their independence, when it becomes hard to even get up in the morning and stay dry through the day, they get angry, angry at getting old. But how do you get angry and lash out at something abstract? You can't, so you do the next best thing you lash out at the ones closest to you and the ones you feel safe with, those you feel won't abandon you for doing so. Does this make sense? Well not really but what about getting old does. We don't know exactly what they are going through, we haven't been there yet. We see it, but that is very different than experiencing it!

This may explain some of the behavior, but that in no way excuses it. No one should have to suffer abuse at the hands or mouths of another, NO ONE. So how do we defuse it? There are a few things that we can do to help the situation: 

1. If the person is in their right mind, no dementia issues, we must have a conversation with them. Tell them how they are behaving and how that behavior is effecting us. After all if someone close to us was offended by our actions we would hope they would tell us right?
2. If the person does not respond and the behavior continues, we need to take action, walk away when the abuse starts, take a day off from visiting, refuse to listen. They will soon get the message, even those with mild dementia can pick up on our actions and realize that we mean business.
3. If the abuse continues despite all efforts, we may need to make a change in living arrangements, or care arrangements to remove ourselves from the situation if possible. We cannot allow our health to be destroyed at the hands of another, no matter who that person is.

I would really like to hear from you. How have you handled this situation. What has and hasn't worked for you. Do you see this as a real problem facing caregivers. Help us help each other by sharing your thoughts. 

Until Next Time
Take Care
Ruth Anne