Moving Mom Into An Adult Foster Care Home For the Aged

Hello Everyone,

After another fall and a return to rehab for several weeks my sister and I have finally taken the steps to move mom to and Adult Foster Care Home ( also called Homes for the Aged ) on a full time basis. This was one of the hardest,  heartwrenching decision we have ever had to make, but it was best for all.

AFC - a house like you or I would live in, only with some modifications inside to accommodate the residents.

My mom as you may know from my previous posts has lived with either myself or my sister since 2001 when dad passed away. She is now almost 92 and has started to develop dementia. My sister and I are not getting any younger and the increased care my mother required was making it very difficult. She could no longer be left alone even for a few hours to go shopping so we had to have someone with her around the clock and night time care literally meant no sleep for my sister, who has and needs to keep her daytime job as her husband was laid off after 27 years, leaving them with one income.

We therefore decided it was time. Time to make things better for all involved, especially mom. We searched and searched and finally found a wonderful Adult Foster Care Home only 10 minutes from both of us.

Should Parents Pay Their Children For Care?

Do you have loved ones you are caring for? How about grand children? If you are here reading this blog, chances are you are a caregiver.

It's been a few days since I have posted and I am sorry for the delay. I have been caught up in my caregiving duties as well as enjoying time with my precious 16 month old grand daughter, she is such a delight and a welcome refreshment to help make it through the tough times!

Do you visit and post in the online forums such as caring.com or agingcare.com? I have also been doing a lot of reading and posting on these forums lately and find there are so many wonderful people out there doing what we do, caring for a loved one with all that entails and just trying to put one foot in front of the other on the journey we travel.

One subject that has been coming up quite a bit in the forums lately is the debate on whether or not it is proper to ask your parents to pay you to act as their caregiver, provide housing and the like. And the opinions run the gamut. So I thought I would share some of my thoughts as well as how the government feels about the subject.

Consider: What type of care are you providing? What have you had to give up to provide this care? And how do your parents feel about the services you provide?

Many of you have given up so much to care for your parents and do so willingly, out of love. When your parents need intense care or supervision as my mom now needs, you may have moved them into your home in order to provide that care. Many of you have also had to give up outside employment to stay home 24/7. 

Some feel that no matter what you have to give up, you should never charge your parents for care, after all they raised you and provided for you for many years. If that is your opinion and you have the financial resources to do so that is fine and I applaud you for your devotion and love. Some however do not have the financial resources to not work. So when their parents need care they have a few options. They can hire a caregiver, put their parent in an assisted living or nursing home or they can work for their parents and provide the needed care. If given the options most parents would likely prefer to have their own family caring for them for as long as that is possible.

Consider what it would cost to put a parent in an assisted living facility. If they need anything other than basic assistance such as meals and general supervision the costs can be $5 to $6 thousand dollars a month. If they need to go to a nursing home the costs can skyrocket to $8 thousand and above. If you were to hire an in home caregiver the cost would be anywhere from $20 to $30 dollars an hour depending on how much care is need and what area of the country you live in. These costs can eat up even a healthy retirement account in no time. 

If you are the one providing the care, you may as many people feel, it is only reasonable that you get paid. How much is something you and your parent can work out, which in my experience is very reasonable and so much less than what they would have to pay for outside care. No one should take advantage of their parents and charge them outrageous amounts of money just because they feel they can, this is a form of elder abuse. However no one should question a reasonable amount. 

Caring for a parent who is aging is a very tough sometimes full time job. If you have siblings who do not participate in the care they may question you getting paid. In that case you need to make them understand just how much you have given up and how much you do for mom or dad or both. If they are worried about their inheritance, remind them of how fast that will disappear if mom goes to a nursing home.

And the government too feels it reasonable for a family member to be paid for services. Many do not know that Veterans Benefits can be used to pay family members. In most states a medicaid waiver can be uses to pay family caregivers. The government is beginning to realize something that has been obvious for years, and that is, that keeping the elderly at home with family is much more cost effective. They are finally starting to get it. 

So if you are caring for mom or dad, grandma or grandpa and you need to be paid, in this person's opinion that is fine. You are working hard, maybe harder than you ever have before. You are also making a better life for your family member, because they are being cared for by someone they know and love. You are doing a good thing. Don't feel guilty!

One important note for paid family caregivers - please have a caregiver contract in place. This is especially important if you are using government benefits to pay your wages. Also this will protect you if in the future your loved one has to go on medicaid and the money to pay you was used during the 5 year look back period.  (The Deficit Reduction Act of 2005 expanded the look back period from 3 years to 5 years.  Almost every state has adopted this or is in the process of adopting this rule).  If you do not have a contract the government may look at those payments as gifts and require them to be paid back. The contract will save you in that case. Another good reason to have a care contract in place is if there are any disputes between family members regarding inheritance, we all know how nasty greedy relatives can be. For information on how to structure a care agreement you may want to check out this link click here . 

Dear Ruth Anne, Here's what I think...

I hope this information helps those of you who are wrestling with this subject. And I would love your feedback. How do you feel about it? What side do you come down on? Please share your thoughts. 

Until Next Time
Take Care
Ruth Anne






 

Great Alternative to A Nursing Home : Adult Foster Homes For The Aged

Have you heard of Adult Foster Care Homes For The Aged ?

Hello Everyone I hope all are doing well today. Yesterday evening in our search for a nice place for mom, my sister and I visited an Adult Foster Home for the elderly (AFC). They are in a different class than regular foster homes and are specifically set up for elder care. These homes are popping up all over the place as the need for elder care is increasing and people dread the thought of a nursing home. I can tell you they are a wonderful choice for many. But as always one must do your homework.

Let me give you an idea of the set up. They are a home, yes a house like you or I would live in, only with some modifications inside to accommodate the residents. But from the outside you could never tell that a regular family did not live there. Many states put them in several categories, the smallest being a 1-6 resident, then they go up to 7-12 etc.

The home we looked at yesterday was beautiful and the people were wonderful. It is run by a young polish couple and they have three kids. They live in the upstairs of the home and the lower level is set up for the residents. What I personally like about these types of homes is the small setting with ease of navigation around a beautiful space that is not to big. This makes it great for those with dementia as they are not inclined to get lost as much as they would in a large residence. The people who run these homes and also live there usually have wonderful food, and we smelled some great polish cooking as they had finished dinner not to long before we arrived. The presence of children and a kitty cat added to the stimulation and interaction of the residents and this is wonderful for the children to grow up in. It is such a loving environment. It was bright and clean and just wonderful. 

If you are looking for a place for a loved one, check out Adult Foster Homes for the Aged. Now they are a bit hard to find. Usually you have to find them from referrals, but if you go to your states website on housing and regulatory affairs - here's the Michigan site http://www.dleg.state.mi.us/brs_afc/sr_afc.asp , you can type in your zip code and search for them. You may also find ones for the mentally ill listed there so you have to click on the name to see what kind of care they provide, some are only mentally ill and disabled others are strictly homes for the aged and those with dementia. On your states website you can also check to see if the home has had any violations and if so what they were. The state should be quite open and specific in sharing the violation and subsequent follow up, along with any actions taken by the state. This is what I mean by doing your homework. But in this case the state can make it very easy. 

My sister and I have now chosen two places we think mom would do well in, the only thing holding us up is making the final decision to move her and it's a tough one. Like my sister said yesterday, 'some days I think I can do this and other days I just don't think I can take it anymore'. I am right there with her. Some days my back is breaking helping mom shower and dress but then I look at her and she gives me that smile and tells me she loves me and I think, 'I can't make her move'.

It can be so hard to make the final decision about moving your loved one. I wish there was someone who would just come in and say "here is what needs to be done now!". But that's not going to happen. The decisions are up to my sister and I and we both love my mom so much, as I know you love those you are caring for. 

AFC - a house like you or I would live in,
only with some modifications inside
to accommodate the residents.

I suggested to my sister maybe respite care for a month or two the rest of the summer, but that is more expensive and mom's resources are limited, however it may give my sister and here husband the break they need. I have also offered to stay with mom for some long weekends so they can escape for awhile. So we will see. It isn't easy and as always there is the guilt we caregivers feel - the ever present guilt - ugg!

Until Next Time
Take Care
Ruth Anne